i am so glad this found me! you articulated this so eloquently in a way that makes me feel seen so tenderly. it's nice to know that this internal turmoil isn’t a lone experience. thank you for sharing. may we all be braver and kinder to ourselves.
thank you for articulating this thought so well. i neeeded it. is 22 the year that all the avoidant gals shed the habits that no longer serve them?!?!?! i hope it is
My avoidant tendencies have often been misinterpreted as ‘not caring enough’…and ive never been able to explain adequately that it’s the opposite and that i care too much…this resonates with me incredibly so and i don’t think the plight of being avoidant could have been described better…thank u for this
exactly! found me after having a teary conversation where I had to admit I have needs and ask for what I want, not easy for the silent girl in me, thank you for the reflection, and good luck with the apprenticeship
Wow I am so touched by this piece. Standing in between two value systems and translating yourself between both. You put words to things I’m beginning to feel in myself. Every. Word.
Almost 24 now, I have been working on speaking up for myself more when I get hurt, inconvenienced or ignored. Takes time but I’m no longer asking for permission to express myself.
"Avoidance, too, is bound up with a fantasy of specialness"
Ouch 🥲 currently in the quarter-life crisis of realising my own ordinariness, shaped by the work of my own passivity and seclusion. My avoidance made me become invisible, even though being seen is my deepest longing and biggest fear.
For me this also comes hand in hand with a fantasy with being rescued and rewarded - someone will come and finally see me like the hidden treasure that I truly am, and say praise about how overlooked I've been all this time. But they never show up and you have to rescue yourself from the tower of mirrors you've built up to shelter yourself.
Thank you for writing such a heartfelt and quite frankly rawly honest piece.
Man, I was going to bed and now I just want to cry because the understanding and somehow the love that I found in your words is astronomical. I am almost 24, I am a middle child and a massive introvert lol. I prided myself most of my life on being the easy kid, the good girl but it all came crashing down when I finished high school, thinking I was going to start fresh and be rewarded with choice.
What sucks with avoidance is how much it takes from you, not just your energy but crucial moments of your life. It's a very difficult to unlearn because of how religiously it is taught in the first place but also how deeply pervasive it shows in habits and overall behavior. Still, it is important to try and to remember that we matter, that we're human too and that our value is bigger than performative "goodness".
I’m so glad this post landed on my feed! You chose your words so delicately that you were able to articulate something seemingly imperceptible so clearly. I’m turning 22 soon and in the past few years I found myself contemplating about wether I am, in fact, choosing to be the “mature one that knows better” one or simply to be the person who’s afraid to confront toxicity audibly. But I actually also find this pattern in many other parts of my life “I’m too mature to participate in this and that activity” “I’ve got better things to do than this and that”. To be honest, I still sometimes catch myself excusing my actions (or the lack of) with exactly this argument, and frankly I believe many times I’m just being honest to myself in these moments because in many cases, I genuinely prefer a calm evening spent at home over a loud night out. But in other scenarios, such as avoiding conflict because one “knows better than not to”, one should definitely make sure that there is no underlying fear behind the things one avoids! And I think you found a beautiful way to navigate between these two poles without disrespecting yourself, which is an art in itself <3
ahhh what a kind comment🥹 and i’m glad my words helped with this reflection; as an introvert, learning when to speak up and perhaps even when to rock the boat a little is a lifelong journey
i’m truly in awe. you articulate yourself so well. i’m also 22 and struggling with a very similar feeling so thank you for sharing your work it was a wonderful read <3
love this lots. makes me reflect on what the goal of avoidance, which for me was always acceptance. even when i would be crowned with acceptance, it never felt deserved, it always felt like an in-genuine achievement. whole time it was never about acceptance, it was about what worked, and for the longest time, i believed keeping a quiet tongue, avoiding confrontation worked, but not always.
hmm, not in particular; but as an introvert / avoidant, I felt seen when reading “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by the late Baek Sehee (translated by Anton Hur); I also felt a warm embrace when reading “Greek Lessons” by Han Kang (translated by Deborah Smith & Emily Yae Won)
I've never read that book in particular haha... nunchi and my understanding of it is something I came to naturally acquire and understand as a(n) (almost fully) bicultural / bilingual Korean American ;)
i've always valued and appreciated the word 'noon-chi' and never really knew how to deliver its meaning to my peers in english. seeing it elaborated in your words unfurled how i wasn't the only one who understood it in that regard. thank you for validating the struggle of learning noonchi as a korean immigrant :) i felt seen and heard
My coffee and sweet treat order was taking longer than usual so I went on substack and so happy I did. This was such a nice morning read, thankyou. Do you recommend the novel? Was going to put it on my list
i am so glad this found me! you articulated this so eloquently in a way that makes me feel seen so tenderly. it's nice to know that this internal turmoil isn’t a lone experience. thank you for sharing. may we all be braver and kinder to ourselves.
i am so touched by your comment; indeed, may we be braver and kinder to ourselves
thank you for articulating this thought so well. i neeeded it. is 22 the year that all the avoidant gals shed the habits that no longer serve them?!?!?! i hope it is
hope so too!
My avoidant tendencies have often been misinterpreted as ‘not caring enough’…and ive never been able to explain adequately that it’s the opposite and that i care too much…this resonates with me incredibly so and i don’t think the plight of being avoidant could have been described better…thank u for this
avoidants care so much!!! it’s precisely because we care
exactly! found me after having a teary conversation where I had to admit I have needs and ask for what I want, not easy for the silent girl in me, thank you for the reflection, and good luck with the apprenticeship
Wow I am so touched by this piece. Standing in between two value systems and translating yourself between both. You put words to things I’m beginning to feel in myself. Every. Word.
wow! thank you for those kind words~
Almost 24 now, I have been working on speaking up for myself more when I get hurt, inconvenienced or ignored. Takes time but I’m no longer asking for permission to express myself.
thank you!! im like a decade younger and just starting to realize that being avoidant got consciences. this came exactly when i needed it 🫶🫶
"Avoidance, too, is bound up with a fantasy of specialness"
Ouch 🥲 currently in the quarter-life crisis of realising my own ordinariness, shaped by the work of my own passivity and seclusion. My avoidance made me become invisible, even though being seen is my deepest longing and biggest fear.
For me this also comes hand in hand with a fantasy with being rescued and rewarded - someone will come and finally see me like the hidden treasure that I truly am, and say praise about how overlooked I've been all this time. But they never show up and you have to rescue yourself from the tower of mirrors you've built up to shelter yourself.
Thank you for this essay.
Thank you for writing such a heartfelt and quite frankly rawly honest piece.
Man, I was going to bed and now I just want to cry because the understanding and somehow the love that I found in your words is astronomical. I am almost 24, I am a middle child and a massive introvert lol. I prided myself most of my life on being the easy kid, the good girl but it all came crashing down when I finished high school, thinking I was going to start fresh and be rewarded with choice.
What sucks with avoidance is how much it takes from you, not just your energy but crucial moments of your life. It's a very difficult to unlearn because of how religiously it is taught in the first place but also how deeply pervasive it shows in habits and overall behavior. Still, it is important to try and to remember that we matter, that we're human too and that our value is bigger than performative "goodness".
So well written, really! I wish you the best <3
I’m so glad this post landed on my feed! You chose your words so delicately that you were able to articulate something seemingly imperceptible so clearly. I’m turning 22 soon and in the past few years I found myself contemplating about wether I am, in fact, choosing to be the “mature one that knows better” one or simply to be the person who’s afraid to confront toxicity audibly. But I actually also find this pattern in many other parts of my life “I’m too mature to participate in this and that activity” “I’ve got better things to do than this and that”. To be honest, I still sometimes catch myself excusing my actions (or the lack of) with exactly this argument, and frankly I believe many times I’m just being honest to myself in these moments because in many cases, I genuinely prefer a calm evening spent at home over a loud night out. But in other scenarios, such as avoiding conflict because one “knows better than not to”, one should definitely make sure that there is no underlying fear behind the things one avoids! And I think you found a beautiful way to navigate between these two poles without disrespecting yourself, which is an art in itself <3
ahhh what a kind comment🥹 and i’m glad my words helped with this reflection; as an introvert, learning when to speak up and perhaps even when to rock the boat a little is a lifelong journey
i’m truly in awe. you articulate yourself so well. i’m also 22 and struggling with a very similar feeling so thank you for sharing your work it was a wonderful read <3
thank you for your kind words🫶
love this lots. makes me reflect on what the goal of avoidance, which for me was always acceptance. even when i would be crowned with acceptance, it never felt deserved, it always felt like an in-genuine achievement. whole time it was never about acceptance, it was about what worked, and for the longest time, i believed keeping a quiet tongue, avoiding confrontation worked, but not always.
Is there a book to suggest people having avoidant personality?
hmm, not in particular; but as an introvert / avoidant, I felt seen when reading “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by the late Baek Sehee (translated by Anton Hur); I also felt a warm embrace when reading “Greek Lessons” by Han Kang (translated by Deborah Smith & Emily Yae Won)
Thanks for your recommendation also how's the power of nunchi?
I've never read that book in particular haha... nunchi and my understanding of it is something I came to naturally acquire and understand as a(n) (almost fully) bicultural / bilingual Korean American ;)
As a fellow avoidant that is currently going through the same process of realizing and adapting (therapy here i come!), thank you for this! 💌🫎
i've always valued and appreciated the word 'noon-chi' and never really knew how to deliver its meaning to my peers in english. seeing it elaborated in your words unfurled how i wasn't the only one who understood it in that regard. thank you for validating the struggle of learning noonchi as a korean immigrant :) i felt seen and heard
so glad you feel seen and heard! 🫶🫶
My coffee and sweet treat order was taking longer than usual so I went on substack and so happy I did. This was such a nice morning read, thankyou. Do you recommend the novel? Was going to put it on my list
yes; i would say that this short novel is quite an easy read so i highly recommend this for getting out of a reading slump
also, though easy it is not light because I believe a lot of the ideas in the novel are extremely pertinent to our world now
and the illustrations incorporated throughout are absolutely beautiful!
and anton hur is obviously such a skilled translator as well.
thank you! I added it to my list and will get to it in spring